Me?
Self image is a roller coaster
I’m good, I’m bad
Incomplete, or am I whole?
All of this nonsense can’t be true!
I have parts it seems
and they are not me
And the me that is me
defies definition
Ineffable I am
Just like the creator
Yet persist in my folly
To know what I am
Like a symphony orchestra
I make beautiful music
The sum so much better
Than the parts might suggest
Standing further back
The parts less defined now
The interaction is clearer
And magic is revealed
The coaster is optional
It’s terror a choice now
And when I am conscious
I exit the ride!
SELF IMAGE
What do I see when I look at myself either in a mirror or from the vantage point of the observer in the corner of the room watching my life as if watching a movie? The truth is that I see lots of different things. And if I stopped at the seeing all would be well. There is no harm in seeing a thing no matter what it is. However, I do not stop there. I go on to judge what I see as good or bad. And therein lies the problem.
And as human beings we are wired to find the "bad," or a better word would be dangerous things first. This is a survival instinct which once served us well and is part of the reason human beings still populate this planet. Once upon a time, seeing the dangerous things before they saw you meant you got to live another day. Today however the situation is not the same and our life and death situations are few and far between. Yet our focus on the negative possibly dangerous things persists and we look at those things as if life and death are in the balance.
So back to self image – what do I see? Again lots of things and I focus on the negative. One of my obvious negatives is that I am fat. I could pretty that up – in India I would be a hefty man – sounds better somehow. And the fact is I am fat. I have been for many years now. And I judge myself harshly in this regard. I know, there are many good reasons why I created this body. Actually it has served many wonderful purposes beyond the scope of this discussion and I still see mostly the negative. And because I have time on my hands since I am not in a life and death situation, I have time to add shame into the mix. "What’s wrong with me? How could I have done this to myself?" And then I go on to believe others must see me this way as well.
So my negative self image is alive and well. And it could lead me into all sorts of negative self behaviors if I let it. Could lead me to eat more and increase my weight. That sure would be helpful! Could cause me to give up! These types of thoughts are certainly the types of thoughts out of which a suicide could arise (and just for the record I am not suicidal today).
Thank God I have choices. My recent choice has been to just be with my pain (as discussed in my recent blog on Being) and not let it define me. I also choose not try to run from it. Then I choose to know the beauty of my being on all levels without allowing the minor imperfections to draw my focus. I know this (whatever "this" is on a given day) is my current situation and I choose, "Where do I go from here?" Around my weight, my recent choice has been to drop some off and use my dislike of my fatness to fuel that process. And I sit here writing this morning after my one mile walk which is my sixth such walk in the last seven days. YAY ME!
When it comes to self image then, the process is clear to me. Whatever part of me I might focus on in any given moment, I need to remember that it is a small part of me and not the whole. I then can choose to step back and see the beauty of my whole being and rejoice in that rather than letting some small flaw define me. From that place, a full range of possibilities are open to me and I can choose to be the best me I can be in that moment and move forward into another beautiful day! I no longer have to let the lows take me too low or the highs take me too high (I have talked here about deflation that can occur from self image – inflation can be just as problematic). I, at last, can get off of the self image roller coaster! Man I am tired of that ride!
Some believe our birth or incarnation is deliberate. Others would call it a random event. If deliberate, then there may well be a very good reason why I am here. That question, it seems, causes quite a bit of angst for me and my fellow men and women. So what is the answer? Why am I here?
Maybe part of the problem is that we try to answer this question by thinking. Logically, in this time of rationalism, we default to the processes of the mind for our answers. Philosophers and spiritual teachers suggest there may be another organ of the body where we can go for answers. The heart, they would suggest, does more than pump blood. In fact, it might be the highest source of knowledge. In our common speech we have the saying, "Let’s get to the heart of the matter."
The answer to this question may need to be felt out instead of thought out! Our feeling may hold the key. To get to those feelings a question that gets to the heart of the matter is, "What breaks my heart?" Our heartbreak in the world may be what we came here to work on. So sit with that question when you get a moment and see what comes to heart instead of what comes to mind! This process may not come easily as we go against the way we usually look for answers and break years of mental conditioning about the value of our mental processes. So give yourself the time you need to feel this answer to what seems to me to be a very important question.
I had been consistent in my blogging. I was putting out two new posts each week. And the first post this week went out right on time. Then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday came and went and I had not received the inspiration that I had come to count on. My second post of the week was late and might not happen at all. I could feel my anxiety rising!
Somehow I did not feel ok in this situation! Why not, I asked myself? Of course, I was feeling the pressure to do. And not from an external source, from within. Just being wasn't enough for me! Much has been written about man's inability to just be and I was confronting that inability in me. We are called human beings and sadly in this ultra competitive world we have become human "doings," moving from one task to the next. As they say, we no longer have time to stop and smell the flowers. We feel incomplete unless we are in action – doing, creating, producing!
So I took a breath and began to talk myself "off the ledge." "It's ok, an idea will come. It's ok if there is only one post this week. I am ok just being. I don't have to be doing all the time." I began to feel better! And I found my new blog topic!
Once again I have been able to see the human condition through the lens of my experience. I have come to know more fully the unrest in me and my fellow men (I can't be the only one, lol) caused by the pressure to do. We have learned early on that doing will get us the love/approval we seek from others and ourselves. Then we live our lives performing like circus animals. The problem is this becomes, for most, a never ending cycle of performance after performance. Like the hamster in it's wheel, we run endlessly and get nowhere! Our reward for this endless running is exhaustion and then an early death! At least, we finally can stop running.
Of course, there is a better way. As I return to sanity and in light of new understanding I have choices to make. I can monitor and relax out of my endless state of doing. I can choose to be ok just being, knowing that my efforts do not ensure happiness. Happiness will come from loving myself just the way I am and wherever I am, whether that brings the love and approval of others or not. I can know my worth without the need to list my accomplishments. I can choose to just be and know my sufficiency from that place, whatever it may look like.
I think this is why I like meditation so much. Meditation is certainly, when practiced with the right mindset, a practice of being. This is also why I like to share the practice of meditation with others. More information on meditation can be found on the Meditation Page of this site.
It is the doingness of our lives that causes our unrest and it's manifestations – chaos, disease, disconnection, etc. Being, best practiced in meditation, is the cure for what ails me/us on all levels – physical, mental, and spiritual.
Well, that's a big mysterious word! Let's demystify it. The literal meaning of transcend is to rise above or go beyond. Transcendence then is the action of rising above or going beyond. And what do we rise above or go beyond? Well, it could be anything. Where the possibility of transcendence excites me is in the possibility of going beyond my normal human experience into a realm of what might be called mystical experience.
The mystic seeks to find:
– the extraordinary in the ordinary
– the miraculous in the mundane
– the sacred in the profane.
In plain English, the mystic looks for spiritual experience where one isn't typically expected to be found. A mystical experience then can be one in which spirit is experienced in the midst of ordinary life activity. It seems we believe that to have a spiritual experience we have to travel afar, perhaps to a distant mountain top, or we have to engage in an elaborate ritual. What if we have missed the point? What if spiritual experience is readily at hand all the time in the ordinary walk of our life?
The genius of the mystic is that the mystic expects to find spiritual experience in everyday life. Maybe it is that expectation that allows for the mystical experience to occur. I know this is the truth! We all know the old saying, "Seek and ye shall find." The mystic seeks and the mystic finds. Might not we all be closet mystics, with our mystical/transcendent experiences, just waiting for us to turn them on by looking for them?
I say we go out and live today from the mystical point of view. I go forth expecting transcendent experience throughout my day. I will transcend through nature, my fellow man and in myself. The sun is up there once again today keeping us all alive! How does that work? My body is right now, as I type this, full of processes that I know nothing about. Oxygen in and carbon dioxide out yet I'm not a chemist. Who did that? Miracles are all around me if I will just expect and then notice them!
Aren't we all just trying to find our way? Like children who got lost on the way home from school we feel alone and afraid. We don't know who to trust. The stranger we ask for directions could be the boogeyman! All seems lost!!! This poem brings forth some of the themes from my search for my path. I hope it may inform your journey!
THE WAY
The way is straight and narrow they say
And few there be that walk it
Frost told of two divergent paths
And he could not walk them both
So we all engage the search
Is it this way or is it that?
Fearful – what if a mistake is made?
The thing I seek may elude my search
I have an idea of how it looks
And this idea obscures the way
In uncertainty I trudge onward
When will clarity light my way?
In an unknown and unexpected place
Beauty overwhelms my being
Who knew uncertainty had befriended truth
And wonderful art work they do create
Doubt and fear are lessened now
Unexpected lessons have moved them on
Moving faster into the deep
Trepidation replaced by hope
Maybe my path is the one I walk
The choice it seems did matter little
Lessons learned on any path
Truth revealed at every turn
Earnest walking the only requirement
And a willingness to change and grow
And even if there was a choice
This path seems to suit me well!
I have been experiencing emotional pain lately. It's been all over me like a cheap suit as they say. And hard to shake even though I know I am causing it. Torturing myself! Why? And trying to accept it and stop it all at once.
Quite a juggling act! And it is easing as I bring my errant thoughts under control. As I come to accept the "what is," the pain lessens. And this acceptance has come slowly. Sometimes it comes more quickly and not this time. And slowly, surely it comes! In the hospital a few months back (as a patient), the acceptance was easier – curious. I was easily able to know – "It is my father's good pleasure to give me the kingdom and this is what it looks like today."
They say write about what you know. And in this arena I am surely an expert! This original poem chronicles my healing.
My Pain
It's an inside job
I have found the enemy
And it is me
The stories in my head are making me hurt
Seems this knowledge would be enough
To dispel my inner demons
In practice however
It doesn't do the deal
It's not in me It's her fault
The one who did me wrong
She's the cause
If she would only straighten up and do me right
So what to do
Fighting Fighting Fighting
The more I fight
The more I hurt
Every blow landing on my heart
The masters say
There is no out there out there
See the other as yourself
No wonder each blow takes me down
So love must be the answer
How to love what I don't like
Must suspend ego's judgements
He doesn't know right from wrong
As the witness
I am a blank slate
The world can write anything
There is no pain
Just like the blackboard
I have no choice
Being marked is why I came
In my function I know only joy
So I am happy
What is is my way
Acceptance then the holy key
The pain a fleeting memory.
I had been writing all of these entries. And once in a while I come across the words of others that ring so true in my heart that I want to share them with the world. Today is one such day. So I share the following with you from the master Joel Goldsmith (first two paragraphs) with a commentary from Al Denninger (third paragraph). May it resonate with you as it did with me!
And what is prayer? Prayer is this feeling, this conviction, this knowing within that these words are true, God is. Would you change that? Would you change anything that God has made? Would you ask for improvement in God's universe? God is. Is that not enough?
Again I say to you, do not judge by appearances. Look at every person, every thing, every situation, every condition, with just the realization that God is, and then let the spiritual reality be made visible to you by the Father within.”
And so, this is our practice Now. Let's get to Work Loving All that Is – and Letting All that Is Love Itself through and As Us.
I had a day of sadness yesterday. And I could make up a bunch of stories about the sadness – what it was and why it was, etc. And they would just be stories, theories, judgments and no more true than the stories upon which the sadness was based. My truth is what makes me sad or happy is just a story in my mind. I am comparing what I see to a story of how I think it "should" be and seeing if the stories match. Those stories are powerful and I can transcend them. That transcendence occurs by pulling back from the story and seeing a bigger picture, by becoming less self-centered and seeing more globally. Also when I am sad I know to embrace the feeling and not try to avoid it and run from it. So I spent a day in sadness yesterday.
A while back I wrote this poem on sadness.
So Sad
I feel so sad today
Not for all the ones who have little or nothing
Not for the ones surrounded by death and destruction
Not for any other one at all
Me, Me, Me
That is the one who has my attention
That is the one for whom I am cornered
It is all about me, isn't it?
Me and my problems that most would trade for in an instant
And the light comes in
I realize that my self centered focus is the source of my suffering
And I think about the others
And I send love to comfort them
And mysteriously love flows back and comforts me
And I wonder
What was the problem that consumed me a short time ago
Vanished without a trace
